Thinking back to where I was and how I was feeling five or so years ago makes me feel so much love for the woman I was then.
She was lonely and sad inside but didn’t know it, she worked many more hours than expected and needed from other people but for her self, it was never enough. She took on so much work, so much responsibility, and couldn’t see that she just needed to say stop, go outside, enjoy a coffee with a friend and smile whilst dancing to great music.
She totally had blind covers on, she could only see forward, like a horse on the tracks, she was blind to nuances, small talk and stressed to the bones.
The only way forward was doing more, doing it faster and complete task after task. The to do list was endless.
Before the stress meltdown she could not focus on social encounters, could not chat during lunch breaks, could not enjoy time off on the weekend. She was exhausted; she got ill a lot, working away anyway. She didn’t feel appreciated for her efforts and all she could see was she had to do more. She truly thought, ”If I don’t do this, if I don’t shoulder this responsibility, no one else will and I will be blamed for the failure of the company”.
Eventually, I broke. I cried and cried and cried. I felt awful, depressed, like the biggest failure, but also like I was probably not sick and probably not worthy of feeling the way I did, I was in denial.
I got real help the second time it happened. I was on sick leave, being the good girl still, recovering quickly. My drive has always been strong. This time I made changes. With the ”go ahead” from my doctor I felt able to set boundaries and started to get used to not working late every day. I was very raw and sensitive and learnt I am an introvert and how that is fantastic, but not in the workplace I was in.
I learnt so much about myself and through a yoga teacher training I integrated the 15 year long yoga practice I had had off and on, into my life with a lot of meditation. The workplace rehab therapy introduced me to mindfulness and several courses later I got my certificates to teach mindfulness and yoga. I could see the commonalities between modern psychology, mindfulness, Buddhism and yogic philosophy and it all fell into place.
I am now living present in my daily life, in my work as a soulpreneur, with my children, in my relationship with my husband and I have healed SO much. My mind is still. I enjoy life in ways I could not have imagined five years ago. I KNOW my boundaries and the signs of my body, I know my values and what I stand for. Before I was at a loss to anyone who seemed the authority around me, striving to be the ”high achiever” and ”good girl” to be rewarded (loved) for what I accomplished.
Now I love myself. I do. Deep down. I place fresh flowers on my bedside table. Just for me. I walk around with a smile on my face. I silently send strangers love. I say ”Wow!” out loud to the beauty of nature. I am SO much more present with my kids that they do as I say (most of the time). I love my husband SO MUCH including all his shortcomings :-) and I don’t lash out in anger anymore during my moon time.
I also am sad and irritated and annoyed and afraid sometimes and accept it ALL. I allow myself to feel all of the feelings that is part of being human, and I can learn from them and let them go. I feel a constant happiness behind EVERY feeling, positive or negative. I am still peaceful and that makes all the difference in the world.
I so wish that for everyone.
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